I have a hilarious snail joke. Well, I think it's hilarious. I'll get there after I tell you about Goliath. See, a slow tortoise made me think slow snail and...anyway: A couple in Casa Grande, Ariz. owns a 100 pound pet tortoise named Goliath. Well, he wandered away from the back yard six months ago, but thanks to helpful folks and an embedded ID microchip (yep, they love their tortoise) Goliath was returned home. In that six months, Goliath had managed to make a 30-mile trek into the desert. Tortoises are apparently big explorers so keep an eye on yours!

Okay, a fellow hears a knock on his door. When he opens it no one is there. He looks side to side a bit and just when he is about to close the door, he glances down and sees a snail. Annoyed, the guys picks up the snail and heaves it into a field across the street. Fast forward two years. Same guy, same house. A knock at the door. When he opens it no one is there. As he is about to close the door, he glances down and again there's a snail. Before he can pick it up, the snail says, "What the hell was that all about?"

And I'm outta here. DB