Have you ever wanted to insult someone, but didn’t know how to do it without sounding ridiculous? I struggle with not being able to think of a comeback until about an hour after the conflict has occurred. This always bothers me and tends to make me even more upset than the conflict itself did. In order to help myself avoid this, I’ve decided to add a few words to my vocabulary that can make me sound both intelligent and insulting at the same time. These are what I like to call a “double whammy.”

Bescumber – If you’ve ever seen cows in a stock trailer, they often have do this to each other. This means to spray with poo.

Coccyndynia – Sometimes I find that my husband can be a very large one of these. This is a fancy way of saying something is a pain in the butt.

Microphallus – This is the term for an unusually small male part. Not much more needs to be said about this one.

Bunkum – When you just know someone is feeding you a line, or expecting you to believe something that can’t possibly be true. This is a nice way to say something is b.s.

Hircismus – I’m pretty sure almost every teenage boy suffers from this. It is another way to say that someone has offensive armpit odor.

Cacafuego – Everyone knows someone who has the best of everything and has done everything. Somebody you usually want to punch in the face anytime their mouth opens. This is an eloquent way of saying someone is a bragger or a boaster.

Joy Larson is a mother of four boys, graduate of The University of Montana, animal lover and writer.